Salad

One time at work (circa 2003), our department secretary walked into our lunch meeting and enthusiastically asked, "Hey boys, would you like me to toss your salad?"

I almost pissed in my pants from laughing so hard.

She thought we were idiots laughing for no reason. Freakin' classic moment.

Natural Disaster

You know what my favorite natural disaster is?

It's when conceited “pretty girls” all of a sudden get a BAD case of acne. It’s sort of nature’s way of saying, “Sorry bitch, you ain’t that hot.”

Honestly

If you always tell the truth, you never have to remember what you said . . . That's why I keep a journal.

Love Advice

My cousin told me about his new co-worker today. Apparently, she's absolutely beautiful. The problem is that he wants to give her a dozen roses for Valentine's Day. What the hell is he thinking?!

Disaster, right?

I told him, "You know cuz, I don't like to give you love advice. You're a grown man, capable of making your own decisions. But, I have to step in and say something. You hardly know this girl. She has given you no indication that she likes you. I don't want you to do something stupid here and embarrass yourself . . .

Don't be an idiot -- give her TWO dozen roses."