Angelina Who?

Who’s hot these days? Angelina Jolie?
Gag.

Jessica Alba?
Maybe if she had a paper bag over her head.

No, no, no . . . my object of desire would DESTROY those cows in any beauty contest. Literally, she would destroy them -- either with her tennis racquet or her unusually muscular arms.

I have a HUGE crush on pro tennis star Serena Williams! And this is no ordinary crush. It is borderline obsession. Why do I love her so much?

Is it her unmatched talent on the tennis court? No.

Is it her amazing man-like “she might be taking steroids” physique?

No, but I’m jealous of it.

Is it her unbelievable beauty?

I figured some of you might assume that, based on this picture. I mean, look at her intense, bedroom eyes. Look at her lovely face that screams out, “I’m gonna eat you alive!” She's glowing . . . *sigh* . . . glowing. If my "chocolate angel" isn't hot, I don’t know who is.

Road Rage

Some people hate it when other drivers cut you off, or go too slow in the fast lane, or give you the finger.

Do you know what I really hate?
Cops.

Elderly Etiquette

I’m all about being socially courteous, but don’t you hate it when go into a store and hold the door for the person behind you, but they never grab the door? It seems like you’re holding the door for what seems like hours.

So you let the door go, thinking they’re not coming inside. Then all of a sudden, like a rattlesnake trying to attack its’ prey, they LUNGE for the quickly closing door. But alas, their pounce is in vain because the door has inadvertently been slammed in their face!

As a result, they stare you down like you ate their last cookie or something. And this day is no ordinary day. It’s “Cookie show and tell day.”

You end up looking like this asshole with no patience because you let a door close on some poor old lady, and everybody looks at you thinking, “Geez, why didn’t he hold the door a little longer? What a jerk.”

Don’t cha hate that? True story by the way.

Hey old lady! Yeah, I’m talking to you. Next time, freakin’ RUN when I hold the door for you. And yeah, I don’t know what “Whipper Snapper” means, but I didn’t appreciate you calling me that.

Yo HBJ Raps

What’s up with these rap videos? Have you seen one lately? I have NEVER seen anything more offensive in my whole life! I was watching MTV the other day and I couldn’t believe my eyes . . .

Violence, drugs, guns, naked women being called “bitches” -- and that was just a commercial for “The Real World.”

You Have the Prettiest Eyes

On more than one occasion I’ve had people tell me I have pretty eyes. But I must confess, I was not born with these mysterious, optic ornaments. No, no, no -- they are merely colored contact lenses.

When people tell me I have pretty eyes, it brings up quite the moral dilemma. Do I lie? Do I keep the fantasy alive? Do I begin our relationship on a foundation of deceit?

I haven’t been this confused since the time I was at Carl’s Jr. and the cashier was this hermaphrodite looking, pre-op transsexual He/She type person. Man or woman? I couldn’t tell!

The “He/She” was like, “Here’s your change sir.”

Nervously I replied with, “Thanks Man – uhhh . . . I mean . . . Ma’am? - uhhh . . . what I meant was . . . damn, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU?!?!”

24 Hour Fatness

As some of may know, I frequently go to 24 Hour Fitness (not to workout – I just like watching 5 TVs at the same time). What you may not know is that they have many obese employees. I kid you not. I’m not just loosely throwing the term “obese” around either. I’m not being insensitive. I’m being very serious here.

Obese 24 Hour Fitness employees . . . you got to love the irony.

It’s like a vegetarian working at a slaughter house, or Shaquille O’neal teaching free throw lessons, or Jessica Simpson acting in a movie.


***update***

I was just informed that Jessica has actually been in a couple movies. My mistake. I didn’t even know she could read.

Stretch First

You should always stretch before working out. I pulled a groin the other day -- the dude was so mad.