Bah, Humbug!

It's everyone's favorite time of the year ... Christmas time! So, a couple weeks ago, this old lady at work took it upon herself to organize a "Secret Santa" exchange party. She walks behind me while I'm at my computer and asks me if I would like to join in on the festivities. By the way, she was more enthusiatic than a pre-teen girl at a Justin Timberlake concert.

First of all, don't walk up behind me unannounced. I could have been looking at some "questionable" websites. Right off the bat, that put me in a pissy mood.

For some reason, I felt the peer pressure. Various thoughts went through my head. "I don't want to. F*ck that. I don't wanna spend $20 bucks on some co-worker I hate. What if the present I get sucks? Aww crap, everyone will think I'm cheap if I don't participate. Oh, whatever. FINE!" I reluctantly accepted.

A week later I visited the Nads Depot on First Street, got some balls, and told her I wanted out. Her jaw dropped. After I kicked her chin off my Jordan's, I asked her what the big deal was.

"It's Christmas. Don't be a Scrooge. You're ruining everything!" she replied. You heard it here first. I ... have the power to ruin Christmas. MUAHH AHH AHHH!

Her comment sent me road raging without a road. I ended up giving a 45 minute dissertation on the stupidity of holiday themed, workplace parties. The standing ovation I expected never happened. But, your boy HBJ just saved $20 bucks!!!

Sometimes ya just gotta do what ya gotta do.

Grocery Shopping Tip

Never go grocery shopping while you're hungry! I made that unfortunate mistake today, and now I'm stuck with 2 months worth of italian sausage, hot dog buns that will probably expire before I even have one, an 8 pound bag of frozen popcorn chicken, and 35 packages of top ramen.

psychic

I think I'm psychic. A couple days ago I had a dream about a hot air balloon that went down in flames. Then the very next day, the news covered a story about a HOT AIR BALLOON THAT WENT DOWN IN FLAMES! True story.

What happened?

According to the scale, I have gained 23 pounds since November. My feeble attempts to lose the weight have been difficult, especially since I work in an industry that requires me to sit for hours in front of a computer screen.

The problem is compounded with the fact that my co-workers always want to eat out for lunch. Speaking of restaurants, how come whenever you roll with a big party, everyone wants to pay with a freakin' credit card? No one ever has cash! Paying the bill with a big party is like the Lakers franchise without Kobe -- It sucks.

That's why I always ask to be put on a separate check. It makes things soooo much easier. But everytime I ask to be on a separate check, the waiter looks at me like I asked him to pat his head and rub his belly at the same time. HEY WAITER!! Is it really that hard to do?? Wipe that annoyed look off your face and JUST DO IT! Ok, sunshine? But I digress.

Back to losing weight - I'm trying the best I can. But I don't think stuffing my face with twinkies and Western Bacon Cheeseburgers constitutes "trying."

It doesn't get much more pathetic than that. Well, except maybe me during a wedding’s father/daughter dance. Seriously, after a couple verses of “Dance with My Father Again” by Luther Vandross, I’m reaching for the Kleenex box.

The Cure For Leprosy

My roommates and I have lived in our apartment for over 8 months, and we are finally getting cable today! It’s about damn time. I’m sick and tired of people talking about all these cool shows on TV and not having a clue what they’re talking about.

Not having cable makes you feel left out. It’s like I’m an outcast or a leper - minus the disgusting, diseased skin.

It reminds of when I was in elementary school and my Mom would always pack my lunch in a plastic grocery bag (it’s a Filipino thing). Every other kid of course, used a paper bag.

Kids can be so cruel. “Haha. Why is your lunch in a plastic bag? You’re a ca-ca poo-poo head!”

So the f*ck what if my lunch is in a plastic bag? Seriously, let’s really think about it for a second. If anything, my food containment solution is the more economical and environment friendly choice. First off, we’re saving money by not buying paper bags. Secondly, we are recycling our grocery bags. Mother Earth would be proud.

And another thing. Sh*t, it’s not like the plastic bags were from Ling Lee's Oriental Food Market. They were from freakin’ Ralph’s. You know what else? My bag can hold DOUBLE the food yours can. Yeah . . . double. That means TWO sandwiches, TWO twinkies, and TWO full ziplock bags of steamed chicken feet. HA!

So to all the kids who teased me in elementary - you weren’t making fun of me, you were making fun of common sense. And guess what? YOU are the ca-ca poo-poo head!

Sad Cow Disease

Today I read an article on the internet describing the cruel mistreatment of cows in slaughterhouses. It's so sad.

While reading, I got this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach –- because I ate too much pizza.

Unfortunately, I am lactose intolerant.

Did you know that 90% of Asian Americans are lactose intolerant? I was not aware of this until recently. My whole life I thought having diarrhea everyday was normal.

Oh, well. No battle with loose excrement is going to stop me from consuming dairy products. The pain of poop pales in comparison to the sweet joy of cheese.

Mmmm . . . cheeeeese.

Salad

One time at work (circa 2003), our department secretary walked into our lunch meeting and enthusiastically asked, "Hey boys, would you like me to toss your salad?"

I almost pissed in my pants from laughing so hard.

She thought we were idiots laughing for no reason. Freakin' classic moment.

Natural Disaster

You know what my favorite natural disaster is?

It's when conceited “pretty girls” all of a sudden get a BAD case of acne. It’s sort of nature’s way of saying, “Sorry bitch, you ain’t that hot.”

Honestly

If you always tell the truth, you never have to remember what you said . . . That's why I keep a journal.

Love Advice

My cousin told me about his new co-worker today. Apparently, she's absolutely beautiful. The problem is that he wants to give her a dozen roses for Valentine's Day. What the hell is he thinking?!

Disaster, right?

I told him, "You know cuz, I don't like to give you love advice. You're a grown man, capable of making your own decisions. But, I have to step in and say something. You hardly know this girl. She has given you no indication that she likes you. I don't want you to do something stupid here and embarrass yourself . . .

Don't be an idiot -- give her TWO dozen roses."

Angelina Who?

Who’s hot these days? Angelina Jolie?
Gag.

Jessica Alba?
Maybe if she had a paper bag over her head.

No, no, no . . . my object of desire would DESTROY those cows in any beauty contest. Literally, she would destroy them -- either with her tennis racquet or her unusually muscular arms.

I have a HUGE crush on pro tennis star Serena Williams! And this is no ordinary crush. It is borderline obsession. Why do I love her so much?

Is it her unmatched talent on the tennis court? No.

Is it her amazing man-like “she might be taking steroids” physique?

No, but I’m jealous of it.

Is it her unbelievable beauty?

I figured some of you might assume that, based on this picture. I mean, look at her intense, bedroom eyes. Look at her lovely face that screams out, “I’m gonna eat you alive!” She's glowing . . . *sigh* . . . glowing. If my "chocolate angel" isn't hot, I don’t know who is.

Road Rage

Some people hate it when other drivers cut you off, or go too slow in the fast lane, or give you the finger.

Do you know what I really hate?
Cops.

Elderly Etiquette

I’m all about being socially courteous, but don’t you hate it when go into a store and hold the door for the person behind you, but they never grab the door? It seems like you’re holding the door for what seems like hours.

So you let the door go, thinking they’re not coming inside. Then all of a sudden, like a rattlesnake trying to attack its’ prey, they LUNGE for the quickly closing door. But alas, their pounce is in vain because the door has inadvertently been slammed in their face!

As a result, they stare you down like you ate their last cookie or something. And this day is no ordinary day. It’s “Cookie show and tell day.”

You end up looking like this asshole with no patience because you let a door close on some poor old lady, and everybody looks at you thinking, “Geez, why didn’t he hold the door a little longer? What a jerk.”

Don’t cha hate that? True story by the way.

Hey old lady! Yeah, I’m talking to you. Next time, freakin’ RUN when I hold the door for you. And yeah, I don’t know what “Whipper Snapper” means, but I didn’t appreciate you calling me that.

Yo HBJ Raps

What’s up with these rap videos? Have you seen one lately? I have NEVER seen anything more offensive in my whole life! I was watching MTV the other day and I couldn’t believe my eyes . . .

Violence, drugs, guns, naked women being called “bitches” -- and that was just a commercial for “The Real World.”

You Have the Prettiest Eyes

On more than one occasion I’ve had people tell me I have pretty eyes. But I must confess, I was not born with these mysterious, optic ornaments. No, no, no -- they are merely colored contact lenses.

When people tell me I have pretty eyes, it brings up quite the moral dilemma. Do I lie? Do I keep the fantasy alive? Do I begin our relationship on a foundation of deceit?

I haven’t been this confused since the time I was at Carl’s Jr. and the cashier was this hermaphrodite looking, pre-op transsexual He/She type person. Man or woman? I couldn’t tell!

The “He/She” was like, “Here’s your change sir.”

Nervously I replied with, “Thanks Man – uhhh . . . I mean . . . Ma’am? - uhhh . . . what I meant was . . . damn, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU?!?!”

24 Hour Fatness

As some of may know, I frequently go to 24 Hour Fitness (not to workout – I just like watching 5 TVs at the same time). What you may not know is that they have many obese employees. I kid you not. I’m not just loosely throwing the term “obese” around either. I’m not being insensitive. I’m being very serious here.

Obese 24 Hour Fitness employees . . . you got to love the irony.

It’s like a vegetarian working at a slaughter house, or Shaquille O’neal teaching free throw lessons, or Jessica Simpson acting in a movie.


***update***

I was just informed that Jessica has actually been in a couple movies. My mistake. I didn’t even know she could read.

Stretch First

You should always stretch before working out. I pulled a groin the other day -- the dude was so mad.