Happy Holidays

Christmas has come and gone, and I'm sad. My best present this year was a cheap, plastic, toy sword. Yes, a toy sword! I'm 27 years old for crying out loud.

I'm PISSED! How can you give me a toy sword -- without the matching shield?




Stop looking at my ass.

Kindergarten Memories *sigh*

When I was in Kindergarten, I was the only asian kid in my class. So, my teacher assumed I couldn't speak in English, although I was born in San Diego and spoke perfect English, thank you very much.











They put me in the ESL (English as a Second Language) program.

I have memories of totally rockin' that sh*t. I was a cocky little 5 year old.

My teacher would be like, "Ok, what does C-A-T spell?"

"That's cat, bitch. NEXT."

"Ok, how about M-O-L-E-C-U-L-E?"

After yawning, I returned with, "You bore me. A 'molecule' is an aggregate of two or more atoms in a definite arrangement held together by chemical bonds, DUH . . .

Look, if you're not going to take this seriously, I'm leaving. Sesame Street is on."

Mother's Day

If I call you a Realtor, it's because you sell real estate. If I call you a doctor, it's because you went to school for about ten years, got a PHD, and you practice medicine.

But, I can call you a "Motherf*cker" -- even if you never had intercourse with a mom before!

You can be a "Motherf*cker" without having the proper credentials . . . Amazing.

Stupid Questions

When I was little, I asked my Dad for a raise in my allowance. He asked me, "Do you think money grows on trees?"

I remember thinking, "What the f*ck? No Dad, fruit grows on trees. Like oranges and apples and sh*t. If money grew on trees, I would NOT have asked for a raise in my allowance -- I would've asked you where the damn ladder was."

Entertainment News with HBJ

Hi and welcome to "Entertainment News with HBJ!" Let's take a look at some of the crazy things that are currently making headlines, shall we?


Nicole Richie arrested in Los Angeles

Nicole Richie was arrested early Monday for investigation of driving under the influence of drugs after her car was reported headed the wrong way on a freeway.

When the officer asked her where she was going, Richie replied, "To a buffet." After taking one look at her frail body, the officer later told reporters he knew "that bitch was definitely smoking crack."


Prince to Perform in NFL Super Bowl XLI Halftime Show

Prince, seen here performing on "Good Morning America" this summer, will headline the Super Bowl XLI halftime show on Feb. 4.

Since the 2004 Janet Jackson "wardrobe malfunction," the NFL and CBS have put on seemingly safe artists from decades past. But critics groaned at ex-Beatle Paul McCartney’s out-of-touch tunes in 2005, and at the Rolling Stones’ elderly antics in 2006.

Looks like this will be the third year in a row where the NFL will have a gay halftime show.

Jenna Jameson Files For Divorce

Porn actress Jenna Jameson has filed for divorce from her husband, Justin Sterling. I recently interviewed Justin and asked him what he thought led to the filing of divorce.

He told me, "I guess it's just that she's so busy with work. We never see each other anymore."

I replied, "So the thousands of other penises that have been inside your wife have nothing to do with it?"

The New Cleavage

A new phenomenon is sweeping the nation.

It was once taboo . . .

All hooters waitresses have it. Their uniform accentuates this body part purposely. Hint: NOT boobs!

I call it:

THE NEW CLEAVAGE

Once upon time, lovehandles were frowned upon.

Now, women everywhere are flaunting this trendy body part. I say, more power to you!

In my native tongue (filipino), we call this body part: Bil-bil.

Whenever I see a girl rockin' the new cleavage . . . it's UN-BIL-BIL-IEVABLE!

All Jokes Aside

When I started this blog, it wasn't supposed to be full of jokes. Somewhere along the way, I realized that laughter truly is the best medicine for life's worries and ills. Making someone smile or giggle really feels good. Try it sometime!

So, if with this blog, I can make just one person look on the bright side of things, if I can make just one person smile, if I can make just one person laugh, then dammit - I'm not very funny.

Midgets

Why do we laugh and point when we see midgets in public? We should all be ashamed of ourselves.

Last night at the gym I saw a midget jogging on a treadmill. I had to consciously stop myself from laughing out loud. I don't know, it just looked funny. And how in the world did he reach the start button?!

Considering the fact I'm short myself, I should probably be more sensitive to little people and their plight.

I have a theory on why we laugh at them. There is a direct corollary between who we choose to laugh at and our ability to kick their ass. Allow me to illustrate. If I saw a big, buff, gangster dude slip on a banana, am I going to laugh at him? If I value my health, HELL NO.

If I laugh at a midget, what's the worse thing he can do to me? Bite my knee?

How to Speak Filipino

Manny Pacquiao, the wildly popular Filipino boxer, fought on HBO recently and cemented his status as one of the best fighters in the world today.

The only thing he can’t fight, however, is his horrible accent. Not good when you know you are going to get interviewed by Larry Merchant after the fight.

In case you didn’t know, us Filipinos, tend to interchange the letter “F” with “P” and vice versa. It’s kind of embarrassing.

And of course Manny, while the entire world is watching, decides to use ALL THE WORDS in the English language that start with the letter “F” and P” to put the spotlight on our most glaring weakness.

Larry: “Congratulations on your win, Manny.”

Manny: “Yeah, it was a good pight - my funches were berry good. I’d like to thank the Fresident of the Pill-a-ppines por preeing the slabes . . . and”

Larry: “Manny, I think that was Lincoln who freed the slaves.”

Manny: “One last thing Larry. I’d just like to say, Feter Fifer Ficked a Feck of Fickled Feffers. I’ve been learning tongue twisters in my English class. "

Larry: “Wow.”

You know what’s cool about being Filipino?

Only Filipinos can say “f*ck” on tv and get away with it. The censors have no clue!

“Ahh, yes Larry, I really pucked him up. This mudder pucker can go puck himself!"

I just can’t wait for the day when a Filipino is asked to do commentary for a hockey game . . .

Babyface

I used to be a Realtor. The company I worked for sent me on pre-set appointments and it was my job to close close close!

Sometimes, I had to deal with really rude clients. When I'd show up at their house, they would open the door and with a surprised look say, "Aren't you a little young to be a Realtor?"

I always wanted to reply with, "Aren't you a little old to still be alive?"

Why Weigh Yourself?

You know what I find funny? You know what really tickles my pickle? When really fat people weigh themselves.

I’ll be in the locker room at 24 hour fitness and I’ll see these really FAT dudes weighing themselves. When I say fat . . . I mean morbidly OBESE. You know, the kind of guys that make all-you-can-eat buffet restaurants reconsider their way of doing business.

Here’s my take on the situation. If you were to lose 25 pounds and it STILL wouldn’t make a significant difference in your physical appearance (i.e. triple chins would still be in full effect) – then don’t get on the scale. Because it just doesn’t matter. And it looks really silly.

It's like being in the backseat of a car driving from California to Florida and after 1 hour asking, "Are we there yet?"

You got a LONG way to go, buddy.