Happy Holidays

Christmas has come and gone, and I'm sad. My best present this year was a cheap, plastic, toy sword. Yes, a toy sword! I'm 27 years old for crying out loud.

I'm PISSED! How can you give me a toy sword -- without the matching shield?




Stop looking at my ass.

Kindergarten Memories *sigh*

When I was in Kindergarten, I was the only asian kid in my class. So, my teacher assumed I couldn't speak in English, although I was born in San Diego and spoke perfect English, thank you very much.











They put me in the ESL (English as a Second Language) program.

I have memories of totally rockin' that sh*t. I was a cocky little 5 year old.

My teacher would be like, "Ok, what does C-A-T spell?"

"That's cat, bitch. NEXT."

"Ok, how about M-O-L-E-C-U-L-E?"

After yawning, I returned with, "You bore me. A 'molecule' is an aggregate of two or more atoms in a definite arrangement held together by chemical bonds, DUH . . .

Look, if you're not going to take this seriously, I'm leaving. Sesame Street is on."

Mother's Day

If I call you a Realtor, it's because you sell real estate. If I call you a doctor, it's because you went to school for about ten years, got a PHD, and you practice medicine.

But, I can call you a "Motherf*cker" -- even if you never had intercourse with a mom before!

You can be a "Motherf*cker" without having the proper credentials . . . Amazing.

Stupid Questions

When I was little, I asked my Dad for a raise in my allowance. He asked me, "Do you think money grows on trees?"

I remember thinking, "What the f*ck? No Dad, fruit grows on trees. Like oranges and apples and sh*t. If money grew on trees, I would NOT have asked for a raise in my allowance -- I would've asked you where the damn ladder was."

Entertainment News with HBJ

Hi and welcome to "Entertainment News with HBJ!" Let's take a look at some of the crazy things that are currently making headlines, shall we?


Nicole Richie arrested in Los Angeles

Nicole Richie was arrested early Monday for investigation of driving under the influence of drugs after her car was reported headed the wrong way on a freeway.

When the officer asked her where she was going, Richie replied, "To a buffet." After taking one look at her frail body, the officer later told reporters he knew "that bitch was definitely smoking crack."


Prince to Perform in NFL Super Bowl XLI Halftime Show

Prince, seen here performing on "Good Morning America" this summer, will headline the Super Bowl XLI halftime show on Feb. 4.

Since the 2004 Janet Jackson "wardrobe malfunction," the NFL and CBS have put on seemingly safe artists from decades past. But critics groaned at ex-Beatle Paul McCartney’s out-of-touch tunes in 2005, and at the Rolling Stones’ elderly antics in 2006.

Looks like this will be the third year in a row where the NFL will have a gay halftime show.

Jenna Jameson Files For Divorce

Porn actress Jenna Jameson has filed for divorce from her husband, Justin Sterling. I recently interviewed Justin and asked him what he thought led to the filing of divorce.

He told me, "I guess it's just that she's so busy with work. We never see each other anymore."

I replied, "So the thousands of other penises that have been inside your wife have nothing to do with it?"

The New Cleavage

A new phenomenon is sweeping the nation.

It was once taboo . . .

All hooters waitresses have it. Their uniform accentuates this body part purposely. Hint: NOT boobs!

I call it:

THE NEW CLEAVAGE

Once upon time, lovehandles were frowned upon.

Now, women everywhere are flaunting this trendy body part. I say, more power to you!

In my native tongue (filipino), we call this body part: Bil-bil.

Whenever I see a girl rockin' the new cleavage . . . it's UN-BIL-BIL-IEVABLE!

All Jokes Aside

When I started this blog, it wasn't supposed to be full of jokes. Somewhere along the way, I realized that laughter truly is the best medicine for life's worries and ills. Making someone smile or giggle really feels good. Try it sometime!

So, if with this blog, I can make just one person look on the bright side of things, if I can make just one person smile, if I can make just one person laugh, then dammit - I'm not very funny.

Midgets

Why do we laugh and point when we see midgets in public? We should all be ashamed of ourselves.

Last night at the gym I saw a midget jogging on a treadmill. I had to consciously stop myself from laughing out loud. I don't know, it just looked funny. And how in the world did he reach the start button?!

Considering the fact I'm short myself, I should probably be more sensitive to little people and their plight.

I have a theory on why we laugh at them. There is a direct corollary between who we choose to laugh at and our ability to kick their ass. Allow me to illustrate. If I saw a big, buff, gangster dude slip on a banana, am I going to laugh at him? If I value my health, HELL NO.

If I laugh at a midget, what's the worse thing he can do to me? Bite my knee?

How to Speak Filipino

Manny Pacquiao, the wildly popular Filipino boxer, fought on HBO recently and cemented his status as one of the best fighters in the world today.

The only thing he can’t fight, however, is his horrible accent. Not good when you know you are going to get interviewed by Larry Merchant after the fight.

In case you didn’t know, us Filipinos, tend to interchange the letter “F” with “P” and vice versa. It’s kind of embarrassing.

And of course Manny, while the entire world is watching, decides to use ALL THE WORDS in the English language that start with the letter “F” and P” to put the spotlight on our most glaring weakness.

Larry: “Congratulations on your win, Manny.”

Manny: “Yeah, it was a good pight - my funches were berry good. I’d like to thank the Fresident of the Pill-a-ppines por preeing the slabes . . . and”

Larry: “Manny, I think that was Lincoln who freed the slaves.”

Manny: “One last thing Larry. I’d just like to say, Feter Fifer Ficked a Feck of Fickled Feffers. I’ve been learning tongue twisters in my English class. "

Larry: “Wow.”

You know what’s cool about being Filipino?

Only Filipinos can say “f*ck” on tv and get away with it. The censors have no clue!

“Ahh, yes Larry, I really pucked him up. This mudder pucker can go puck himself!"

I just can’t wait for the day when a Filipino is asked to do commentary for a hockey game . . .

Babyface

I used to be a Realtor. The company I worked for sent me on pre-set appointments and it was my job to close close close!

Sometimes, I had to deal with really rude clients. When I'd show up at their house, they would open the door and with a surprised look say, "Aren't you a little young to be a Realtor?"

I always wanted to reply with, "Aren't you a little old to still be alive?"

Why Weigh Yourself?

You know what I find funny? You know what really tickles my pickle? When really fat people weigh themselves.

I’ll be in the locker room at 24 hour fitness and I’ll see these really FAT dudes weighing themselves. When I say fat . . . I mean morbidly OBESE. You know, the kind of guys that make all-you-can-eat buffet restaurants reconsider their way of doing business.

Here’s my take on the situation. If you were to lose 25 pounds and it STILL wouldn’t make a significant difference in your physical appearance (i.e. triple chins would still be in full effect) – then don’t get on the scale. Because it just doesn’t matter. And it looks really silly.

It's like being in the backseat of a car driving from California to Florida and after 1 hour asking, "Are we there yet?"

You got a LONG way to go, buddy.

An Actual Conversation at 24 Hour Fitness II

The first installment can be found here:

http://hbjaymz.blogspot.com/2006/11/actual-conversation-at-24-hour-fitness.html

Based on a true story . . .

Once again we will follow the adventures of Roger and BJ inside 24 Hour Fitness. What will those workout fanatics be up to today? Let's find out . . .

Roger: "For reals man, we gotta get serious about this stuff."

BJ: "I know. Ok, I'll go first."

Roger: "10 reps . . . nice form."

BJ: "My arms are killing me!"

Roger: "Alright. Now let's do back, then chest."

BJ: "Cool, your turn. Here's the soap."

End Scene.

Fun with the Door-to-Door Vacuum Salesman

The Door-to-Door Vacuum Salesman. You gotta love him. It takes a brave man to annoy people and expect to make money selling something I can buy at Sears or Target.

The next time you get one knocking at your door, don't be rude and say "I'm not interested." Instead, follow my advice and I guarantee you will have a ton of FUN!

Have him come inside and let him unpack his briefcase and brochures. Even encourage him to show you the amazing suction powers of the vacuum. Be sure to act super interested the whole time.

Then out of nowhere say, "Wow! That vacuum really sucks!"

When you want him to leave just say, "You know what, I'm just not interested today."

After he leaves wait about a minute then yell, "Hold on!" Then motion with your hand for him to come back. He will probably be thinking, "Yes! I might get a sale after all. Yippy."

When he comes back, scream in his face, "AND I WON'T WANT ONE TOMORROW EITHER!"

Slam door. Teehee.

Procrastinators

Hi. My name is HBJ and I'm a Procrastinator.

Alchoholics got the 12 step program, us procrastinators have the OCPG (Orange County Procrastinators Group).

We meet every Tuesday night. I joined OCPG last year. Haven't got around to attending a meeting yet, though.

The Porn Star that Could

"My way of joking is to tell the truth - It is the funniest joke in the world"

- George Bernard Shaw

You know, sometimes the weirdest and most random stuff happens to me. The following story may sound too crazy or unbelievable to be true, but seriously, it really happened.

I'm just going to come out and say it. A couple months ago I was asked to appear in a porno. Yeah, me. Random, huh? I won't go into the details of who asked me and why they asked me, but just believe me when I say it really happened. Hey, I was just as shocked as you are right now!

I would have been paid $2000 for a day's work to do the nasty dance with a well known porn star.

I was flattered but declined for obvious reasons. That is all. No jokes here. I'm not even going to explore the ramifications, the social stigma, or the moral implications of such an event.

Actually, I REALLY want to bust out a joke right now but I'm trying really hard not to . . .

Just thought I'd share. The fact that this opportunity was presented to me is freakin' hilarious in itself. Life's funny sometimes, ain't it?

Immature

As some of you may know, I live with my two cousins. What you may not know is that they are EXTREMELY immature!

I'll be sitting in my room and they'll just walk in whenever they feel like it and without asking, take my pro wrestling DVDs.

Geez, GROW UP GUYS!

An Actual Conversation at 24 Hour Fitness.

An Actual Conversation at 24 Hour Fitness.

Based on a true story . . .

The following is a coming of age tale. We will begin the scene with our two protagonists on their way to the basketball court. Conflict will surely arise. Will our heroes survive the challenges that lay ahead? Will their journey lead to personal growth? Let's find out . . .

Roger: "Did you see if anyone is playing on the court?"

BJ: "I saw a couple guys there. Did you grab my ball?"

Roger: "Yeah, it's kinda dirty though."

BJ: "I know. Did you bring my basketball?"


Moments later . . .


BJ: "What do you want to workout later? Chest? Biceps? Triceps?

Roger: "Let's get sweaty. I wanna have a bi workout."

BJ: "Ok, but what bodypart do you want to work on?"

End scene.

Sleep Disorders

So, I've heard of talking in your sleep. Snoring is normal. Sleep walking is pretty common too. But damn, my sister created her own genre of sleep disorders on her 21st birthday last week when she came down with a little something - a new condition I shall dub "Sleep-Vomiting". Wow, I really just made up that term right now.

It was her goal to down 21 shots that night.

After the 12th, she started to feel a little lightheaded, so she decided to lay down for a couple minutes. Needless to say, that was a BIG MISTAKE!

Never lie down after 8 or more shots, people! You've been warned.

I don't know if you have ever had the pleasure to witness someone throw up in their sleep, but I can tell you from first hand experience, it is one AWESOME spectacle. Haley's comet? Ehhh. A solar eclipse? BORING! Seeing a mother deer with its' young fawn calmly drink water from a babbling brook? Been there, done that, googled it and everything.

You have not truly experienced joy until you've seen a loved one hurl from a dormant state! And the funny thing is, there's not a damn thing you can do about it . . . except, laugh uncontrollably like you're Tickle-Me-Elmo on speed and 42 cups of coffee.

It's not like I could help her anyway. There were juicy chunks of mexican food on her jacket, shirt, and hair. It's just not sanitary. I could get hepatitis or something.

That stuff stinks, too. Goodness gracious. Happy birthday sis!

Drunk Drama at our 4th of July/House Warming Thing

"Beej, where's my turkey burger, bitch?!"

-anonymous (actually I know who said it but I choose not to embarrass him/her)

Tonight I was sober while everyone else was drunk. Most people hate being sober while others are drunk, but for some reason, tonight I felt like a concerned mother with an abundance of patience. I patted myself on the back just now ... 3 times.

I noticed a couple things about drunk people. For one thing, they become "close talkers." You know, when they talk to you at about 1/16th of an inch away from your grill as you reluctantly inhale their wonderful breath. Respect my personal space please. Ok, tiger? Thanks.


Drunkies also seem to enjoy excessive cussing. I've never been called a "bitch" so many times in my life! Well, unless you count the time I shared a prison cell with "Big Brutus" for a week.

"Hey bitch, pull down your --- "

I'm actually trying to suppress that memory. Moving on . . .


And what's with the freakin' leaving trash everywhere? Seriously, you guys are a bunch of sloppy mofos.

A quick note on Drunk Dialing: If you seek self-respect in the morning . . . don't do it.

Oh yeah, I love it when drunk asses have to vomit. Weak! It reminds me when a cocky boxer talks alot of trash about his opponent and ends up getting knocked out in the 1st round.


I was the only one who cleaned up afterwards. I also noticed beer was spilled all over our new carpet. Sheesh.

Attached at the hands.

"Brutally disgusting. Yuck."

-HBJ

I have to tell this story before I forget about it. It's horrific.

I was sitting down in the cafe area at Borders the other day reading a book, minding my own business. Out of the corner of my eye I see this young asian couple. They were college students getting ready for a serious study session.

The dude typified an asian wannabe abercrombie model with his layered polos, cargo shorts and sandals. Nice.

The girl was HOT. Uhh, no she wasn't. If she was, I would have understood their behavior. However, this chick was hit by the ugly stick. Oh, and this wasn't your ordinary ugly stick by the way. It must have been a BIG ASS ugly stick, with pimple-inducing grease spots all over. Brutally disgusting. Yuck.

After drinking a cup of coffee, they proceeded to sit down, lock hands at about shoulder height (elbows on the table) and gaze into each other's "can be blindfolded with dental floss" eyes.

There's nothing wrong with this so far. I'm all about love and public displays of affection.

5 minutes roll by. I look up and notice they haven't moved an inch. "Ok, whatever," I thought to myself. 10 minutes later - same. 30 minutes later I glance up to look at the clock on the wall and I see them in the EXACT same position. I almost gagged.

Keep in mind, the whole time they are not talking. Those two were just annoyingly smiling at each other as their Advanced Quantum Physics Bullshit textbooks (2nd edition) collected dust.

Long story short, they stayed in that statuesque position for over an HOUR! WTF?! I don't know about you, but after having a cup of coffee I piss at an average interval of every 12 minutes. So not only are they deeply in love, but they also have incredible bladder control. I'm jealous.

I would rather have seen them making out uncontrollably with full tongue action, sweat dripping, and orgasmic moaning. At least I could have thought "Damn, that's pretty cool. They're brave."

Saying "GET A ROOM!" to a couple just looking at each other and holding hands would be rude.

The greatest arm workout of my life.

"Bankrolls don't build biceps."

-Ultimate Warrior, WWF

Gunnage was at full strength (me, mike, roger, and ryan) at 24 hour fitness tonight. The 4 of us working out together is rarer than a lunar eclipse or a Kobe Bryant pass.

Anyway, we had an insane bicep workout, pushing the very limits of human potential.

We high fived each other in middle of the gym and yelled "GUNNAGE, BITCHES!!!!" with assorted "wooo's," "ohhh baby's," and "hellz yeahs" mixed in for good measure. People stared at us.

T'was great.

Current Weight: 154 (eww)

Weight June '05: 170

H Blog Jaymz

Hello and welcome to the very first blog entry for HBJ. HBJ (HeartBreak Jaymz) is BJ's alter ego. In future posts I will explain why I have an alter ego and how it came to be.

I have undergone some MAJOR changes in my life recently so I thought it would be appropriate to start recording some of these events in an organized format.

I really don't care what people think about me so I warn you ahead of time that some stuff will be highly offensive.

Oh yeah, my grammar is really going to suck too. And I don't know how to use commas properly. And I start sentences with "and." I was educated in the Anaheim school district for goodness sake!